Click here to read the previous post, Adjusting to Life in Spain: Differences Between Spanish and American Culture
No dormí bien anoche otra vez ¡me cago en la leche! Y, aunque ayer todo el día estaba una empanada mental, me obligué a hacer mis impuestos porque mi contadora fiscal me había montado un pollo por la última semana. Apenas entendí mis números ¡me cago en dios! y me hice la picha un lío. No quiero tirarme el moco, pero por fin acabé.
What does that mean? ☝️ I’ll get to that in a sec.
In my quest to become a true Spaniard (in heart, if not in government documentation), I have not only been learning the language—I’ve been learning how to speak like a Spaniard.
And yes, there’s a difference. It’s called slang.
Although I’ve been complimented on my Spanish, I still sound like a guiri (foreigner). Partly due to my accent, and partly due to the words I use. I don’t use a lot of street slang mostly because I’m not familiar with it or, if I do know a word or phrase, I’m not always sure how to use it without sounding like a bad actor.
For example, joder is frequently used in Spain. I understood it to mean fuck, but as we know in the English language, there are a lot of ways to use that word. It can be used as:
a verb (to fuck, to fuck with, to fuck over)
an adjective (this fucking car)
an adverb (are you fucking kidding me?)
an interjection (oh fuck!)
Joder is used in these ways, too.
But then I started hearing all sorts of people (older, professional) saying joder in all sorts of situations (in public, around kids). When I asked my friend who is a mature, educated professional (a lawyer), he said that it can also be translated as damn or shit:
¡Joder! Mi vuelo se ha retrasado. (Fuck! My flight is delayed.)
¡Joder! Se me quemó el pavo. (Damn! I’ve burned the turkey.)
¡Joder! Olvidé las llaves en casa. (Shit! I forgot the keys at home.)
In the three sentences above, how would you know whether the person was saying “fuck,” “damn” or “shit”? According to Spaniards, you just know. Tone, intensity, context.
So ¡Te jodes! can mean “Tough shit!” or “Fuck you!” But then “Fuck off!” is often said as ¡Vete a la mierda! even though mierda = shit.
I feel like I signed up for AP classes in Spanish but then on the first day realized I was in above my head. So this is where I ask actual Spaniards what slang words or phrases they use and how.
Authentic Spanish Slang
Sometimes the slang is simply a shortened version of the word:
Estoy saliendo de la ofi [oficina] ahora. (I’m leaving the office now.)
Tomé una cerve [cerveza] con amigos. (I had a beer with friends.)
Anoche vi una peli [pelicula]. (Last night I saw a movie.)
And sometimes the slang is…quite the work of art.
I was at a bookstore with A, the guy I’m dating, who is a Spaniard through and through, and a madrileño (“from Madrid”), to be more precise. We came across a book of Spanish slang and after laughing and gawking at the colorful terms used, I turned to him and said:
“This is common slang?” (Yes.)
“So everyone uses these phrases or just teens and rude people?” (Everyone.)
“And people just say these things out in public?” (All the time.)
I also asked my Spanish teacher, another madrileña, about these slang terms and she verified that, yup, they are commonly used.
If graphic or sexual words are not your cup of tea, you may want to skip this part, but here are some of the phrases I am learning to sound like an authentic Spaniard:
Con dos huevos (with two eggs) = to have balls
Mandar el freír espárragos (to send someone to fry asparagus) = to tell someone to get lost
Montar un pollo (to assemble a chicken) = to make a fuss
¡Me cago en la leche! (to shit in the milk) = for fuck’s sake!
Hablar por los codos (talk through one’s elbows) = to be a chatterbox
Una mierda pinchada en un palo (a piece of shit stuck on a stick) = a load of crap
Agarrar un pedo (to grab a fart) = to get wasted/drunk
Manda huevos (send eggs) = the nerve!
Pollas en vinagre (cocks in vinegar) = bullshit!
Partirse el culo (to split one’s ass) = laugh your ass off
Cagarse en Dios (to shit on God) = goddamnit!
Pelar la pava (to skin the turkey) = whisper sweet nothings
Dar el coñazo (to give the big cunt) = to bother, annoy, pester
Planchar la oreja (to iron the ear) = to catch some Zs
Tirarse el moco (to throw snot) = to toot your own horn
The History of Slang in Spain
Spanish slang (jerga) is rich, creative and more graphic than, well, I was going to say many other languages, but the truth is I only know English and highschool French. It seems to be based off of—or, rather, in reaction to—Spain’s religious roots since it often involves genitals, excrement and blasphemy.
Although 53.7% of people here identify as Catholic, fewer than 20% actually practice it. During Franco’s dictatorship (1939-1975), the Spanish Church had enormous influence and so rebellion often took the form of blasphemous language.
So while Spain used to be a more traditional Catholic country, today most (many? a lot of?) Spaniards—and especially the younger generations—choose not to follow the Catholic teachings in morals, sexuality or, apparently, blasphemous slang.
Some of the best (worst?) curses involve shitting on God, Jesus or the Virgin Mary, such as:
"¡Me cago en Dios!" → "I shit on God!" (One of the strongest insults in Spain)
"¡Me cago en la Virgen!" → "I shit on the Virgin Mary!"
"¡Me cago en la hostia!" → "I shit on the holy host (Eucharist)!"
"¡Hostia puta!" → "Fucking holy host!" (An expression of shock)
Or just shitting in general:
"¡Me cago en todo!" → "I shit on everything!" (Used when frustrated)
"¡Es una mierda!" → "It’s a piece of shit!"
"Estoy hecho una mierda." → "I feel like shit." (Exhausted)
"¡Vete a la mierda!" → "Go to hell!" (Literally: "Go to the shit!")
And, just in case you think I am focused too much on shitting, don’t blame me: Blame Spain and their obsession with “caganers”, those figurines of people (famous or not) squatting and taking a poop “that no Catalan nativity scene is complete without.”
Source: Google Maps
They also enjoy using genitals for non-sexual slang:
"¡Coño!" → "Pussy!" (Used like "Damn!" or "Shit!")
"¡Qué cojones!" → "What the balls?!" (Used like "What the hell?!")
"Me importa un coño." → "I don’t give a pussy." (I don’t give a damn.)
"Es la polla." → "It’s the dick." (It’s amazing.)
"Me toca los huevos." → "It touches my balls." (It annoys me.)
"Estoy hasta los cojones." → "I’m up to my balls." (I’m fed up.)
“Estoy hasta el coño." → "I’m up to my pussy." (A harsher way of saying I'm fed up. Really, Spain? You can just shout out “¡coño!” but you can’t add “estoy hasta el…”??)
English Slang
As I was marveling at the jaw-dropping creativity involved here, I started thinking about English slang. And, of course, we have our own head-scratching phrases:
Break a leg = Good luck!
Shoot the shit = To have a casual conversation
Kick the bucket = To die
Piss and vinegar = Full of energy or attitude
Hit the sack = Go to bed
Blow smoke up someone's ass = To flatter someone insincerely
As well as some more graphic phrases:
Motherfucker = An insult, but also used to express admiration or toughness (e.g., "That guy's a tough motherfucker.")
Cock-up = A big mistake or failure ("That was a total cock-up.")
Shitstorm = A chaotic or disastrous situation ("That meeting turned into a total shitstorm.")
Dick move = A mean or inconsiderate action ("Stealing her idea was a dick move.")
Eat shit = To fail miserably or be humiliated ("He totally ate shit on stage." or simply “Eat shit and die.”)
Tits up = Something that has gone completely wrong ("The whole system went tits up.")
Screw the pooch = To mess up badly ("He really screwed the pooch on that report.")
Blow your load = To use up all your energy or resources too soon ("He blew his load in the first round of the debate.")
Taking it up the ass = Getting treated unfairly ("We’re taking it up the ass with these taxes.")
Hard-on for something = To be obsessed with something ("The boss has a hard-on for cutting costs.")
Take a look at this excellent comedian Ismo, for whom English is a second language, discuss learning all the variations of “shit”.
What I Wrote Above
So that Spanish paragraph I wrote at the beginning of this article? Well, after studying all this colorful slang, I texted those very words to A to see if I’d gotten the hang of it. What I wrote above translates to:
Literally:
“I didn't sleep well again last night; I shit in the milk! And, even though I had a mental pasty all day yesterday, I forced myself to do my taxes because my tax accountant had been assembling a chicken for the last week. I barely understood my numbers—I shit on God!—and I got my dick in a tangle. I don't want to blow my own snot, but I finally finished.”
Figuratively:
“I didn't sleep well again last night, for fuck’s sake! And even though I was a mental mess all day yesterday, I forced myself to do my taxes because my tax accountant had been giving me a hard time for the last week. I barely understood my numbers, goddamn it, and I got all mixed up. I don't want to toot my own horn, but I finally finished.”
And A’s response?
“Has dejado de sonar guiri!! Perfecto!!!! Joder, si pareces de Madrid de toda la vida. 😊”
(“You've stopped sounding like a foreigner!! Perfect!!!! Damn, you sound like you've been from Madrid your whole life.” 😊)
Click here to read the next post, Adjusting to Life in Spain: [TBD]
Note: All photos taken or created (using DALL-E) by Selena Templeton, unless otherwise noted.
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